As of today, I am 25 weeks into this pregnancy with Junior Mini.
Over halfway done. Eep!
"The List" of things to do remains completely fresh and not a one has been crossed off. Yet. Part of that is to do with Matt's schedule not winding down till next month, part is sheer laziness and procrastination on my part, and part is a small, whirling dervish named Levi.
But, in the quiet part of my heart and when everything is still, I find myself asking "What if?"
I never really blogged about it after Levi was born, but I fell apart. Oh, I hinted at it, but never really opened up, which now I think is a shame. I don't know why we feel like we need to hide our weaknesses, so I'm opening my poker face and this is me, unfiltered. Call it post-partum depression, regular old depression or whatever, but emotionally, I fell completely and utterly apart. I questioned everything I did, everything I said, everything I felt and convinced myself that Levi would be better off with someone else as his mother. Horrifying, isn't it? Oh, but it gets better. Of course, all of my feelings were somewhat compounded because of all the nursing/eating issues we were having, and the guilt of not knowing he wasn't getting enough to eat, and the work that entailed after that was finally straightened out (go back in the archives if you need a refresher.).
I began resenting Matt for having what I saw as a "normal" life. He got to go to work, get out of the house, interact with people and then come home and see what I had been dealing with for maybe an hour before Levi went to bed. I would think to myself that neither he or Levi needed me and that anyone could do for them what I was doing. I was being sold a lie and I fell for it, hook, line and sinker.
I didn't want to go to church, I didn't want to talk to my friends about it, I didn't want anyone's help and I certainly didn't want anyone to know what I was feeling. I literally felt as though I had been shattered and that I would never be put back together again. And that no one understood.
And through all of these emotions, wounds and issues from my past began to plague me. Things that I had long believed were behind me were resurfacing and I was being forced to take a long, hard look at who I was--who I THOUGHT I was.
So one afternoon, Matt and I had a talk. And I told him I needed help. And for probably seven or eight months now, I've been seeing a Christian counselor who has helped me tremendously. I now feel more like myself than I have in a very long time and the rage and helplessness that I felt in those first months with Levi have long gone and I now have tools and methods I can turn to if I ever feel that way again.
I am confident that the Lord is healing me from many things. I am confident in my relationship with Matt and in my ability to be a mother to Levi and this new baby. I believe I now KNOW who I am and am beginning to appreciate who I am. But still, I wonder....
What if?
What if I break again? What if I shut Matt out? What if I feel exactly the same way after this baby comes? What if I get worse than I was after Levi's birth?
How am I going to handle two children who need to be fed and loved and played with and put down for naps and bed times and bath times? How am I going to do the laundry and get dinner on the table for me and Matt? How am I going to make sure our relationship doesn't fall to the wayside?
What if I don't produce enough milk to nurse this baby, like with Levi? What if, what if, what if?
Logically, I know that there will be a transition period and that for a while, some things just may not get done and that it is more than okay. And that if I can't nurse this baby like I hope, that it's okay, too.
Emotionally, though, I'm nervous. I'm nervous that the glue isn't dry yet on the newly closed wounds. That I will crack (again) and the result will be the same (again).
But, thankfully, I have talked to Matt (and my counselor) about these things and we are communicating very openly about all of this. I am praying for God to provide me with the strength I need and the grace to get through this next post-partum time. And I'm praying for protection from this as well. And I fully intend on continuing to see my counselor through and even after the baby's birth. So, I have a plan.
And my plan, prayerfully, does not include the words "What if?"
Blessings and love,
Erin
6 comments:
You know, this time, though it'll be better even IF a lot of those things happen. THIS time you have been through it and know solutions. For BFing, for depression, for keeping your relationship open and going.
You'll be fine. GL!
I will not candy coat it, it is H.A.R.D. with two little ones. There are very few times when they sleep at the same time, even if Levi doesn't have any regression. But. The bond that they have being close together is worth every bit of distraction and overwhelming that you will feel.
And every baby is different with bf'ing. Zesty took forever, it was miserable but I stuck with it for 9 months. Pinky takes 5 minutes and she's done for 4 hours. It is so much more enjoyable, and took a lot of stress off of me.
You can do it!
I'll be right there with you. I'm 26 weeks today and girding my loins, so to speak, for the insanity that is sure to come in three months (yikes - not even!).
Even when I have my worst moments, and things are a mess and dirty clothes and diapers are piling up, there's no food in the house and I have to bring work home and Lee is blissfully kicking back with a beer amidst the insanity and Cam is screaming about alligators ... well, I just think, "These guys are better off with me than without me. And we'll just get through this together."
And it's true, you know. One day, the kids will be potty trained. They'll get into bed themselves. They'll be able to take showers on their own. And granted, you'll have a host of new worries to keep you up at night, but the constant, minute-by-minute drain on your time, nerves and emotions will lessen. We'll get through it. Don't feel like you're in it alone. I, for one, am already hip-deep in it.
Thank you for being so honest about this, Erin! I felt EXACTLY the same way after Colton was born, causing me to seriously rethink ever having a second child. I was fed the same lies by the enemy. It is so great that you are breaking free from them through counseling. I recently read Captivating by Stasi Eldredge and it completely changed the way I see myself. I'm sure it won't be easy having two little ones under 18 months, but you'll be okay. You've already had a lot of practice with Levi!
Mwa. Love you!
Thank you for being honest. I think a lot more people have a really hard time post-partum than most people realize. I know that I hated those first couple of months. I mean, really. I loved Riley, of course, but wow, it was just.so.hard. I chalk it up to the whole preemie/not latching correctly thing, but looking back, I wonder if there was more to it than that. I am terrified, I mean, TERRIFIED, of going through that again. I loved being pregnant, I even loved the actual birthing experience (ok, maybe not loved...but I do think it was amazing) and once we got through those first couple months...and especially once he hit about 4 months old, I started really enjoying it. But before that, when people would ask how everything was going, I would lie. "Its great, I love it, he's a great baby." In reality, I felt like I was barely holding myself together. Like I had no idea what I was doing. I doubted myself constantly, my house was a mess, I was a mess. Even now, when I talk to or see someone with a baby younger than 3 or 4 months who says "everything is SO great", I get a huge twinge of jealousy...and I also am convinced they must be lying.
But I do think, and I hope, that the second time IS easier, like everyone says it is. And I think the fact that you dealt with it once, with all those challenges, plus you have the RESOURCES to help you already in place, I think that will help a ton.
And wow, I can't believe you're 25 wks already!!!
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