Hope Now

Most of you know that our latest addition, Seth Yost, arrived on September 24 (All thank we now for Facebook. Amen.). Since that day, my life has been (most predictably) filled with feedings, changing many, many, many diapers, consoling fussiness and wrangling the first little boy in my life.

Thankfully, the transition to two hasn't been as difficult as I imagined it would. Don't misunderstand me: I'm sure that there will be MANY trials and difficulties as both boys get bigger, but given all the issues we had the first month of Levi's life...well, Seth just seems like a cakewalk most of the time. Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I feel guilty sometimes because I don't think I'm spending enough time with Levi. Yes, I feel like Matt and I haven't had a "real" conversation in awhile. But underneath all of that is sheer thankfulness and overwhelming hope that I'm going to make it after all.

Hope that I'm not going to head back to that terrible, dark, ugly place where I wallowed for a good six months after Levi was born. Hope that I can be a good and loving mother to two boys at the same time. Hope that because Matt and I are making an effort to communicate about how we're feeling and doing that he won't have to fight for me to come back from the brink like he did before. Hope that God didn't make a mistake after all when He gave these two precious little lives to me to care for while on this earth.

And I am so thankful. So thankful that when I am feeling exhausted after a rough night up with Seth that I don't fly into a rage. Thankful that I can talk about my frustration when the boys decide they don't want to nap. Thankful that I want to get out of the house and spend time with my friends and husband instead of shutting myself up inside. Thankful that I am talking with God almost constantly during the day, asking Him to give me patience when Levi is acting out, asking for grace to handle Seth screaming because he's overtired, asking for (and receiving!!) forgiveness when I may have snapped a bit.

I can't tell you how good it feels to feel normal right now. And if any of you reading this are struggling right now, I am not trying to make you feel worse or as though I've got it all together, because believe me, I don't and I totally understand where you are. Okay, maybe not understand, but I can empathize. Having been in my own private hell, I can relate to those feelings. But know this. There is hope.

"But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more." (Psalm 71:14)

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." (Micah 7:7)

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." (Romans 5:5)

To me, hope is part of my daily cushion of grace. That tomorrow can be different. That this (fill in the blank) is only a season. And that God does hear me and does care. I may just not hear an answer right away. But I can hope for one.

Praying that you all are able to find something to be hopeful for today.

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. don't forget to check out the "new" blog!